Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Review

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(This is essentially a rant on a bad movie.)

Well this one is a real doozy. Star Wars Episode I wasn’t the worst Star Wars movie at the time and it does have its faults, but if you remove the first 2 acts and just have the last, it’s a very okay movie. However, no matter what edits you do to the second movie in the Prequel Trilogy, it’s still a load of poop.

Attack of the Clones fast forwards an undisclosed amount of time and introduces a now teenage Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen). It doesn’t let us know exactly what happened but all we know is that Anakin is a padawan under Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and they are tasked with protecting Queen Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) , of Naboo. Apparently assassins will try to kill her for some reason and that’s what happens.

Fast forward to halfway through the movie and apparently Anakin and Padme are in a relationship now even though Jedi’s aren’t supposed to be in relationships and stuff. But that’s one thing that irks me, among many, about the film. The relationship is very fabricated; Anakin and Padme spend about a month or so together while Obi-Wan is out and about dealing with clones.

In that span, they “fall” in love because of something. So much so that Padme is willing to overlook the weird rant he has about sand (“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”) to proclaim that she “truly… deeply… love you” as they are carted into a pit to die…

… NO one in their right mind talks like that. Like honestly, unless they were in some play or production and they were forced to talk like that, no one in the history of ever has said those words, in that order, to someone they loved. I admit that I’m probably not able to do any better (considering I’m not a writer) but given the opportunity, I probably wouldn’t have said it like that.

Well anyways, they are in the pit and stuff happens with Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) cutting off Jango Fett’s head. Little Boba Fett gets it and just disappears from the rest of the trilogy until Episode 5 so that’s a thing. After that happen, the Jedi are surrounded by Droids until Master Yoda (Frank Oz) saves the day and pick up the trapped Jedi (and Padme) from death to chase after Count Dooku (Christopher Lee).

What happens next is probably my favorite part of this pretty terrible movie: Count Dooku receiving the plans for a superweapon that suspiciously looks like a moon but is no moon. I liked how they tied in the Death Star to the prequels; it shows that Darth Sidious was planning his superweapon well in advance before Jyn Erso and her friends’ expedition on Scariff to obtain the Death Star plans.

And so, Count Dooku attempts to escape but not before being confronted by Anakin and Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan plays smart and wants to take him down together but Anakin decides otherwise and he attacks him. He fails and gets force-lightning-ed for his troubles. Dooku whips out his pretty badass curved lightsaber and commences with his duel with Obi-Wan.

For most of the fight, Dooku is just talking smack to Kenobi, telling him he’s a disappointment, etc. Eventually, Kenobi is overpowered and gets tagged on the arm and thigh. Which sucked because Obi-Wan is thought to be this amazing fighter, but just easily gets dispatched. But as Dooku is about to kill Obi-Wan, Anakin comes in and saves the day.

Anakin stops Dooku from performing the killing blow and is given another lightsaber but Obi-Wan. That doesn’t last long as Dooku just cuts the lightsaber in half and it’s back to the norm. However as Anakin is running away from Dooku, he cuts an electrical wire(?) and causes the lights to act erratically. What follows next is perhaps the dumbest looking Star Wars moment in the series.

As lights flash in and out, Anakin and Dooku start waving their lightsabers around, complete with cuts to their faces looking bored and fierce.  I think it looked good to George Lucas and no one else, but no one had the nerve to say anything. That fight is representative of everything wrong with Attack of the Clones because it looked uninspired, boring, and just not fun to look at. While this is all happening, Obi-Wan is just laying down on the floor, looking concerned.

Soon, Anakin gets his limb cut off because he stupidly just lets it get cut off. I swear, George Lucas might’ve had a fetish for losing limbs. After he gets tossed to Obi-Wan like a salad, Yoda comes and saves the day (again) and faces off against Dooku. Stuff happens and Dooku gets away.

Overall, I hated Attack of the Clones (if you couldn’t tell from the half-assed nature of this post) for the reasons stated earlier. If this movie and parts of Episode 1 had not been made, no one would really mind. The fact that this movie exists and the fact that it just was so bad, is not excusable. Some people may like the movie and good for them. But Attack of the Clones is a movie that I personally would leave off from the Star Wars universe and a movie that I would advise people getting into Star Wars to avoid.

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